Thanksgiving is approaching, and for many people, so is the stress and anxiety caused by being with family, feeling judged, trying to replicate traditions, or just generally having expectations that are difficult (if not impossible) to meet.
It's funny that a day reserved for gratitude and thanks can end up being so fraught and unmanageable. So here are two things to think about as you tote your turkey from the trunk to the brine:
1) Examine Your Expectations
Are you trying to impress your Thanksgiving day guests? Are you hoping to live up to a tradition that you didn't create? Are you hoping to keep peace among warring factions in your family? Whatever it is that you're hoping Thanksgiving will be, make sure you have realistic expectations. Despite your best hopes, Aunt Kitty will get drunk and say something offensive. Last year cousin Lyle brought home a stripper so this year don't expect a saint. When you lower (or eliminate) your expectations, you are much less likely to be disappointed by who shows up, how they show up, and what happens.
But Kate, I hear you saying, there are things I WANT for Thanksgiving. Things that are important to me.
I get that, but if those things involve other people acting in ways that they're not likely to act, you might want to reconsider.
For example, let's say it's important to you that there's no TV at Thanksgiving. First, look at why you think that's important and what it means to you if there is TV and if there isn't. Then, knowing that Uncle Fritz insists on the game, find a way to offer it to him that detracts less from your day than it could. Don't go for 100% elimination - that's unlikely. Can you get down to 75%? 50%? When you're clear on why you want something and what you can do as a compromise, you're likely to experience less stress and more gratitude. Which brings me to number two...
2) Practice Gratitude More Than One Day A Year
This morning I was headed to school drop off with a whiny, insistent daughter who I secretly thought of abandoning in the shrubs along the route. I caught myself feeling crappy, frustrated, and annoyed at a little girl who was just having a hard time adjusting to her day. When I thought for a moment about how I'd feel if, god forbid, this was her last day on earth and I spent it annoyed with her for being her, I realized that I was grateful for this little light in my life. I dropped my annoyance, picked up my kiddo, and hugged her. I was grateful. Not "grateful because" but rather "grateful despite."
The more we give thanks -- real thanks, not just pass-the-turkey thanks -- for the blessings and challenges in our lives, the more it becomes a practice and the more easily we remember what we're grateful for. And that gratitude might just help us keep from losing our cool or expecting others to be more than they can be.
And if we can't be grateful, if we can't lower our expectations, there's always pie.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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