"At this company, you're family."

I was running some leadership training recently when a senior leader told me his greatest strength was that he ran his business like a family. "I take care of my people," he said. "When they need time off, they get it. When they need my support, they get it."

"And when they need to borrow the car and stay out past curfew, do they get that, too?" I asked. "Do you give them $50 and sign their permission slips?"

A mistake I see leaders make over and over again is treating their employees like friends or family. It generally puts you in one of two positions: a manager who has to fire or discipline a best friend (or who doesn't fire/discipline them when they're underperforming precisely because they're a best friend) or a manager who has everyone relying on them so exclusively that the relationship turns paternalistic.

Neither of these is good for business.

Be friendly but not friends

For many reasons, this is great advice. Care about your direct reports and coworkers. Invest in them and know them personally. But focus more on your role as a teacher and talent developer and less as a sibling or parent.

I remember when a coworker of mine was so close with our boss that it was uncomfortable to be around them. They clearly spent weekends together, often went shopping at lunch together, and it was hard to imagine my boss was being fair when writing up our reviews. In the end, when cuts had to be made, my boss had to cut her friend, and I feel like she resented us for it afterward. So I left.

Your job as a manager is to help your direct reports grow, learn, and get better at their jobs. It's not to offer dating advice or swap parenting hacks. And it's certainly not to go drinking with them regularly.

Because here's the deal: when you go for drinks with a coworker, in the eyes of the law, you could still be considered "at work." Even though it's after hours and in a social setting, if you’re discussing work-related topics, making decisions, or if your direct report feels obligated to attend, it could be seen as an extension of the workplace.

If you still want to do it, though, keep these things in mind:

1. Know your company's policy - what's allowed and what isn't? What's considered work, and what isn't? Is that holiday party really a party? Or if something happened there between you and a coworker, would you be considered at work? (And would the company pay for their lawyer to defend you?)

2. Be aware of the power dynamics. Since you're the manager, your direct report may feel pressured to attend, making it less of the chill, after-work environment you think it is. And keep the optics in mind -- are you inviting everyone, or just the same select people over and over again?

3. If food, drinks, or activities are reimbursed as a business expense, that strongly suggests it's work-related. So if you want to keep it personal, pay for it yourself.

   
   

Watch out for Blurred Boundaries

I don't know about you, but I'm way more willing to work for free for my family than I am for an organization. At a company that acts "like family," you may be expected to put in unpaid hours (physically or mentally) or you may find expectations that you share your secrets or personal information -- or others'.

At one organization where I worked (that was "like family"), we all knew each other's business. But there was SO MUCH I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW! Please don't show me photos of you half-naked. Please don't tell me how much you just lost in the stock market. And for goodness' sake, please don't tell me how much you drank this weekend. I care, I do, but I don't want to have to think about these extracurricular things while in a meeting with you.

Knowing where you (and your work responsibilities) end goes a long way to keeping your home and work lives separate and giving you more space to create work-life balance. (Because if all of life is work, where's the balance?)

How do you know if your company is acting like "a family," especially if they're not saying those words?

Keep your eyes out for any of these:

• Unspoken expectations – Because families rely on emotional bonds (and or emotional blackmail) rather than contracts, you might feel obligated to work extra hours, take on additional tasks, or stay with them longer than you should.

• Emotional manipulation – Some companies use the "family" idea to discourage you from pushing for a raise, questioning leadership, or leaving for better opportunities. There's an us vs. them mentality prevalent in these organizations and you may be led to believe it won't be this good anywhere else.

• Resistance to change – Families tend to value loyalty and traditions (holidays, anyone?), which can make it harder for family-like companies to evolve, innovate, or let go of underperforming employees.

• Toxic loyalty – You may be guilt-tripped into staying in unhealthy work environments (see "Emotional Manipulation," above) because leaving could feel like "abandoning" the family. "After all we've done for you, this is how you repay us?"

• Overwork and/or burnout – When the company expects you to be fully emotionally invested, it can lead to burnout, as work becomes more than just a job.

It's possible to have a healthy, happy career at a company that claims to be a family, but you need to keep your eyes open and be aware of how that culture is impacting you. Are you reaping all the benefits and none of the costs? Then stay! Please! But if it's even 50/50, where the costs are equal to the benefits, it might be worth a reevaluation.