Though the title feels less than compassionate (who wants to think of themselves as dummies?) the author, Steven Hickman, is keenly aware of the platform he has in the bestselling Dummies series to change the amount of self-compassion that's happening in a population that doesn't necessarily dive headlong into self-help.
This book is a mix of stories, exercises, and meditations that help you appreciate three different components of self-compassion:
Mindfulness - a stable, connected state of being that focuses on the current moment without judgment or distraction. Luckily, it is an innate state of being and something we can cultivate with practice and attention.
Common Humanity - the interconnectedness of all people and our ability to recognize that at times we all suffer, fall short, or fail (and that it causes us pain). It's essentially recognizing that others have suffered the same slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in the past that you are facing now, and that still others will continue to face them in the future.
Self-Kindness - a balanced, essence-based kindness that is neither overly indulgent nor critical.
And they're all in the service of the central self-compassion question: What do I need?
For some, the answer to that is a strong, powerful response (what he calls "Yang" energy) and for others, it's a gentle, receptive, soothing response (what he calls "Yin" energy). I especially appreciated this differentiation because I have always struggled with being gentle and was happy to see that I was more Yang-compassionate (as opposed to not self-compassionate at all).
Hickman doesn't stop with just stories and ideas. Instead, he incorporates many different strategies for improving your self-compassion, many of which are things we cover in coaching. Some of my favorites are:
Compassionate Touch: Learning and knowing which kinds of soothing touch you respond to. (Are you more of a hand-on-the-heart person or a holding-your-own-hands person?)
Self-Compassionate Talk: How to change your critical inner dialogue into supportive and encouraging self-talk.
Grounding Techniques: Practical tools to manage stress and anxiety when emotions become overwhelming.
Addressing Inner Critics: Techniques for confronting and calming negative self-talk (what I often refer to as the Judge or Your Saboteurs).
Dealing with Difficult Emotions: How self-compassion helps process guilt, shame, and other challenging feelings.
Creating a Routine: Guidance on incorporating self-compassion practices into your daily schedule.
I tend to gobble up self-help theories and practices. Still, my Saboteurs are always pointing out that what I do is "too woo woo" or "not practical," so I appreciate his emphasis on hands-on learning and the references to relevant psychological research, both of which lend credibility to its claims. Readers skeptical of self-compassion will appreciate the grounding in evidence-based practice.
I'm working on self-compassion this year and am in the process of letting things just wash over me. This, as it turns out, is a good approach for self-compassion, because Hickman says, "If it's a struggle, it's not self-compassion."
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