For the last year, every day at around 1pm, I would get a small visitor in my office. "Mommy," she would say, "can you have lunch with me today?" Any day that I could, I'd step away from my computer and connect with my preschooler. It became something of a routine.
This year, my little visitor is at Pre-K and nobody comes to visit me at lunchtime. But the habit of breaking up my day with a kiss, a hug, and some talk about what everyone did at school is still with me. I get the same feeling around lunchtime that I want to stop working. It's not even that I'm hungry - I'm just psychologically ready for a break. And it turns out that this habit (like so many others) is hard to break.
The habit loop is a term that explains how habits are formed and maintained. The loop consists of three main components:
Cue (or Trigger): This is the little knock on my office door or the arrival of 1pm. But it can be anything - anxiety about an upcoming project, the sound of an incoming email, being on the highway, the change of the seasons, whatever. The cue tells your brain to start the routine, or habitual behavior, because it associates the cue with a specific outcome.
Routine (or Behavior): This is what you do in response to the cue. For me, it was getting out of my office and connecting with my kiddo. But if you're anxious about a project, it might be biting your nails. If it's the sound of the email coming in, it might be stopping what you're working on and flipping over to Outlook. If you're on the highway, it might be turning on some music or calling your bestie. And if it's the change of the seasons (and you're me) it could be getting your clothes out of storage and crying a lot.
The routine can be physical, mental, or emotional, and it is the habit itself. It's what you do to feel better when faced with a cue or trigger.
Reward: After completing the routine, you get some positive outcome or reward. Hugs from the kiddo and a break from work. A momentary distraction from your stress. Feeling like you're staying on top of your endless emails. Connecting with a loved one. Getting both a hug and an eye roll from your husband (who has seen you do this season after season after season).
The thing about the reward is that it gives you a good feeling (or momentarily relieves a bad feeling) and that reinforces the habit loop by making your brain associate the routine with something pleasurable or satisfying. Over time, your brain begins to anticipate the reward, making the loop more ingrained.
Think about some of your habit loops. If you're like me, you might experience some of these:
Cue: You feel stressed.
Routine: You grab a snack.
Reward: You feel a temporary sense of relief or pleasure.
Cue: Your kids won't get in the bath.
Routine: You make threats or yell.
Reward: The kids get in the bath (or at least you've let off a little steam)
Cue: Your boss says something aggressive.
Routine: You avoid your boss.
Reward: You feel safe from criticism (temporarily).
Cue: You feel overwhelmed.
Routine: You scroll through social media.
Reward: You are distracted from your overwhelm (temporarily).
What are some of your cues and rewards? Are they serving you in the long run? Most likely not. They may even be getting you into conflict situations or escalating the conflict situations you're already in. When we act habitually, we act blindly, reacting instead of responding.
Knowing your triggers and habits can be really helpful when you're looking to improve a relationship or reduce conflict with others. Coaching is great for this kind of work.
So is my upcoming webinar, Reducing Conflict.
Makes sense!