I spent a lot of last year calling my insurance company about a large sum of money they owed me. And every time I called them, the customer service reps would be lovely - considerate, thoughtful, apologizing for the delay, promising to make it right that afternoon and call me when it was done. I hung up feeling reassured and hopeful that this time I'd get my money.
And two days later, when they didn't call, I felt frustrated, misled, and (frankly) furious. My issue still persisted.
This went on for MONTHS. On the calls with the reps, I got more and more heated, asking to speak with someone who had more authority, and becoming one of those customer service nightmares - because the patient, calm approach wasn't getting me traction and I had no other tools in my arsenal. (I kept imagining/secretly hoping they would use my recordings for "quality and training purposes.")
In any communication or conversation, there are things we want to accomplish – to make a decision, delegate a task, solve a problem, get a large sum of money from your insurance company, etc. Especially at work (but also in our personal lives) communication is the only way to get things done with or through others (because physical harm is generally frowned upon, right?).
At the same time, we’re all people and need to feel safe and respected enough to participate in a conversation. Think about the last time someone disrespected you or made you feel bad: how willing were you to listen to that person and help him or her out?
I think about these two components as the WHAT and the HOW of communication. WHAT is about what needs to be done, and HOW is the way we interact with others.
The WHAT includes the things you want to accomplish by communicating, such as:
Making a decision
Resolving a conflict
Giving instructions
Providing feedback
Informing others
Making a connection
Getting a large sum of money
A positive HOW addresses our basic human needs and includes the impact we have (or want to have) on others:
Feeling heard, understood, and/or valued
Respect
Trust
Involvement
Inclusion
(A negative HOW can have the opposite impact.)
In the insurance example I shared earlier, I started with a soft, respectful HOW because that's how I like to treat people from the start. As my WHAT continued to be unresolved, though, my HOW naturally changed. Because I felt I was being lied to (by the organization, not necessarily the people I spoke with), it was hard for me to keep the frustration from building. I felt disrespected and powerless in the situation, both of which naturally led me to use harsher and harsher HOWs.
As a leader, however, it's important to keep your HOW in mind, no matter how the WHAT is going. You want to stay authentic (and not robotic) but you can't slide into the emotional free-for-all that you might feel tempted to do. And, on the flip side, you want to keep the WHAT in mind, no matter how well the HOW is going in the conversation. (Just because our interaction was pleasant the first few times I called the insurance company didn't mean my problem was getting solved.)
When you balance both the WHAT and the HOW, you can interact with people more effectively and efficiently and are more likely to have people choose to follow you. For example, if you overfocus on the WHAT and get straight to decision-making, people may find your HOW too businesslike or formal and may not feel involved or included. Similarly, if you overfocus on the HOW and spend 75% of your meeting making sure everyone feels valued, you may not have enough time to achieve your objectives.
What's your default HOW? Is it effective? Are you achieving WHAT you set out to accomplish?
Join me for a free, 45-minute webinar on Leading Others (on July 11th) for more tips and tricks on having effective (and connective) conversations with the people you lead.
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