In keeping with the theme I've been working on lately, this post about Mental Boundaries will be somewhat similar to my previous posts on Physical Boundaries, Conversational Boundaries, Material Boundaries, Time Boundaries, and Emotional Boundaries in that it outlines what Mental Boundaries are, what it looks like when they're violated, and how you might stand up for your boundary going forward.
Mental Boundaries – To have your own thoughts, values, opinions, ideas, and dreams
Mental boundaries are about what you think and the way you think it. We each have the right to our own thoughts, values, beliefs, and opinions. Having mental boundaries establishes the importance of respect when interacting with others.
If you think of boundaries as demarcating the edge of something -- a property line, a highway lane, a path in the woods -- then mental boundaries outline your perception of yourself. They codify who you are, what you believe, and how valuable those beliefs are.
If expressing yourself is met with aggression, gaslighting, invalidation, or belittling, or if you're feeling disrespected or less than the other person then it’s time for a mental boundary.
Violations can look like:
Condescending
“Only a woman would believe that.”
“That’s such an HR thing to say.”
Belittling your ideas or suggestions
“That’s a stupid idea. Let’s move on.”
"Wow, brilliant."
Offering unsolicited advice as instructions – “you need to…”
“You need to get your priorities straight.”
"You need to man up!"
Trying to persuade someone who clearly isn’t interested
Mansplaining
Gaslighting
"I never said that!" (when you have proof they did)
Mocking
"They let you into Yale?" (a personal favorite of mine)
In America, it is generally safe to assume that non-white, non-male people are more often in a position to enforce their mental boundaries than their white male peers. And that people who are in support or overhead roles (as opposed to your organization's money-making roles) are also more often required to assert their mental boundaries.
So what can you do if you're one of those people (especially if you're not in a power seat in your organization)? Asserting your mental boundaries requires you to have faith in the decisions you've made in your life and the confidence to stand behind what you believe. And they teach others how to treat you, which is as much a reason to assert them as any.
Asserting mental boundaries can look or sound like:
“I don't appreciate you saying that - you're not in my shoes, and telling me what to think or feel is unacceptable."
"I hear your advice, but I'm not going to take it at this time."
"I disagree and would prefer that we not discuss this right now." (Also a conversational boundary!)
“Please don’t force your opinion on me.”
“We don’t see things the same way; please don’t try to change my mind.”
Obviously, these would all sound different coming from your own mouth (or even mine), and I recommend exercising caution in your delivery, especially at work or in large-group settings. For example, you may feel comfortable telling your CEO that you disagree with her vision in the middle of an org-wide meeting, but it might not be the best way to get the message across. Or maybe it's the right way to get the message across, but not the best way to keep your job.
Defending mental boundaries may push you up against politics in your organizations -- who you can talk to, how you can talk to them, and the repercussions that follow differ in each organization. In general, I recommend letting lots of comments and advice roll off your back without feeling the need to say or defend anything when working in large groups. Save your boundary work for the people closest to you who feel the need to project themselves on you.
Are you in a sticky situation at work or in a relationship where someone is trying to control who you are, what you believe, or how you act? I can help! Reach out to me for a free consultation: 646.844.4614 or [email protected].
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