How often have you been a few minutes into a conversation before you even knew what it was about? Or been deep in a talk with someone, only to have them glancing at their ceaselessly pinging phone? Or trying to understand someone with a different accent in a loud room?
There are endless ways life can interfere with good communication. But the good news is that there are also a number of things you can do to fight back.
Some of the bummer statistics
In their book, Are You Listening?, Ralph Nichols and Leonard Stevens report a study they did at the University of Minnesota that found that immediately after listening to something, people remember only half of what was said. And within eight hours, the odds are good that we will have forgotten half of what we remembered. This resonates with me, but then again, I can't remember who I am half the time (but that's another story).
According to an article in the NYT by Kate Murphy, "Once you know people well enough to feel close, there’s an unconscious tendency to tune them out because you think you already know what they are going to say." So this compounds the problem, especially if you're communicating with people you know well regularly (like, say, at work. Or home.)
Those of us in training know about the Ebbinhaus Forgetting Curve. (It's part of what keeps us employed!) Essentially it says that people tend to forget up to 50% of new information within an hour (corroborated by the UMinnesota Study) and that within 24 hours, this can increase to 70%. By the end of the week, people tend to retain only about 25% of what they've learned.
And the studies and articles go on and on. How can we possibly be better listeners when our brains and bodies are working against us?
Start by reducing barriers
There are as many internal barriers to communication as there are people (probably more), but here are some of my favorites (and what you can do about them):
Mind Drift. This is the natural tendency to let your mind wander during a conversation, especially if you think what's being said isn't relevant or important.
To overcome it, intentionally choose to focus on the speaker. Identify the pros of being present (more connection, getting the information, being a "good listener," etc.). And if that's difficult, put a post-it or other reminder to FOCUS ON THE CONVERSATION somewhere that you can see it but others can't.
Also, accept that it exists. In college, we did a cool exercise in one of my acting classes where the instructor asked us to speak up when we realized we had left being present and came back. Throughout that hour's class, little bursts of "I'm back" sounded like popcorn popping.
Biology. When we're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, we should HALT. (You can also have other biological stuff going on - it's hard to focus when you really have to pee.)
HALT is built for people in recovery, but it's an excellent tool for anyone looking to be a better communicator. Simply ask yourself, "what do I feel?" If the answer is any of the HALTs, or otherwise negative, now might not be the best time to engage in an important communication (written or spoken).
Assumptions. Akin to what Murphy describes in her NYT article, assumptions keep us
from fully hearing what the other person is actually saying because our brains want to move more quickly and fill in the gaps.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How offended would you be to know someone wasn't listening because they were making assumptions about you?
Remember that you might be surprised and that fully listening to someone is the only way that person can surprise you.
Emotions. When we're sad, angry, overjoyed, or otherwise experiencing emotions outside the "normal" range (which varies person to person, obviously), we're less likely to focus or pay attention to what others are saying. Similarly, when others come at us with strong emotions, we can get fixated on those emotions and miss the messages that are being sent.
Know your boundaries. If you're too upset to talk right now, take a break and get some fresh air or exposure to beneficial soil microorganisms. Or do whatever you need to do to be the one in charge of your emotions (rather than vice versa).
You won't be able to get fresh air (or take a break) in many situations, but knowing when and how can save you from missing important information.
The list goes on and includes:
Information overload
Language barriers
Cultural diversity
Ineffective communication channels
Lack of trust
Bias
Hierarchical barriers
Jargon/Semantics
Nonverbal communication
Physiological barriers
So with all this bad news, what can we do? Here are four big ideas.
1) Get Curious
One way to listen effectively is to get very curious about what the other person is trying to convey. Let go of your judgments, assessments, and planned responses, and just listen to find out what’s going to happen next.
When we listen with curiosity, we avoid jumping to conclusions, missing important data, or otherwise communicating badly.
Ask questions and listen for the answers. Listen to see if the answer is different from what you were expecting, and if so, how. When you do this well, there is a playfulness and lightness to it.
What we think we already know about another person (whether in a professional capacity or in a personal relationship) is really only the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more underneath, and only by being curious (and not judgmental) will we find out more.
2) Choose to Reengage
Reengaging with a speaker who has upset us – hurt our feelings, offended our sensibilities, bored us to tears, whatever – requires a personal effort, a choice. It doesn’t come naturally. Remembering that there is a problem to solve or information to learn can help you reengage with the speaker. Similarly, focusing on how being a good listener benefits you can help make the choice to reconnect an easier one.
3) Commit to Being a Good Listener
The definition of a "good listener" is really yours to write. The way I see it, it includes:
Listening with the purpose of connecting
Listening to understand, not just evaluate
Learning and being aware of what most distracts me and brings me back to crummy listening
I know that when I am emotionally triggered – especially in conversations with my close friends and family – I have to choose to be my best self, and to be willing to reengage. I ask myself “Who do I want to be? What do I want to be known for? Being right, or being willing to listen?”
4) Stay Open
It takes vulnerability to keep listening when we’ve been triggered. We have to choose to stay open and fight against whatever emotional reaction we’re having. Staying open is work and it requires a muscle – the good news is that you can strengthen it the more you use it!
When I get emotionally triggered and fight to stay open, I can feel what I call my “inner garage door” slowly lowering. And once it gets closed, I’m done. I have to fight to keep it open before my window of opportunity passes. (I've been known to say that I have to take a break because my garage door has shut. I usually come back to the conversation once I'm able to get some space and recollect my thoughts.)
I have a free webinar coming up in March that looks at what we can do to be better listeners and all the benefits that it brings. Join me!
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