What's in Your Boundary Circles?

I'm preparing for an Executive Leadership training program next week and one of the topics we're discussing is boundaries -- what's acceptable, what's tolerable, and what's unacceptable? (I'm excited to see what a team of executives will identify and how much it overlaps with what I identify.)

To support the learners in this workshop, I discovered a great exercise that helps you clarify where your lines in the sand are drawn. It's disarmingly simple, and yet not something that I had done before I found it.

First, draw a set of circles like the ones below, and label them as you see done here.

Then, think about the boundary/boundaries you're clarifying. (As a reminder, there are seven fairly standard boundaries, though you can set boundaries around just about anything.) For that boundary, identify the behaviors or actions that you welcome. These are things that make you feel seen, heard, valued, respected, warm, empowered, etc.

Next, identify the behaviors or actions that are on the border -- what can you tolerate, but don't want to see too much of? These are the things that make you uncomfortable, but not so uncomfortable that you feel the need to stand up and declare your boundary.

Finally, identify the behaviors or actions that are not acceptable. These are the things that really make you pump the brakes, whether it's stopping a meeting, pulling someone aside, ending a date, or simply stating that the behavior or action is unacceptable to you.

It can be helpful to see an example of this, so here's one from me:

This is related to my physical boundaries at work. (And if you've worked with me, you know I'm a toucher - I like physically connecting with people -- but I recognize that since I don't like being touched anywhere but my arm, back, or shoulder, others may not like it either).

I work by myself most of the time these days, so this isn't a burning issue for me. But it's a powerful exercise to do when the issue isn't burning. Because then you're clear on where your lines are before they're slowly, dangerously, being crossed.

What boundary of yours needs some support and reinforcement?